“Instead of trying to make your life perfect, give yourself the freedom to make it an adventure …” – Drew Houston
One summer break, on a hot August afternoon, I picked up our son from the neighborhood swimming pool. Normally he would have ridden his bike, but on this day my son needed me – his front tire was flat.
He was dripping wet when he hopped in. The water and summer sun added highlights to the prominent scar traveling under his left arm, from the center of his chest to the middle of his back.
He had carried that scar almost since birth, a reminder of the successful surgery needed to close a hole in his heart, just ten days after joining our young family.
I can still see the surgeon, dressed in his operating scrubs, as he told us about the steps he used to repair our child’s walnut sized heart. A scene made almost surreal by my memory of this caring professional, who could have been a left guard for the Chicago Bears judging from the size of his hands, performing such a delicate procedure on so small a fellow being.
As grateful and relieved as we were, there were times when I wished our son didn’t have to carry that mark.
Thirteen years later, glancing over at the dripping reminder, I asked if he would like to have the scar hidden with some type of cosmetic treatment. That way it wouldn’t be so noticeable.
“No Dad! Chicks dig scars!” was his immediate reply.
Middle school years are a time when boys have little to say, but when they speak its wise to listen – carefully.
Thirty years later, I’m still inspired by how wise and enduring those words were.
We all have scars. There’s a vast variety of them in our lives. Some are physical and some emotional. They can be self-inflicted, other-inflicted, or purely accidental.
Some leave lasting pain, but his was only a visual reminder of a long ago lifesaving operation. Covering it up was never necessary.
I wonder what I unnecessarily cover up in my own life. Maybe my FaceBook photos are too perfect. Vacation shots always staged. Maybe, like our son, it is time to be proud of my scars. If I stop trying to project a perfect version of myself, then maybe my stories would be more helpful.
Our son remains an inspiration, although today, instead of “chicks dig scars,” he might say, “Be yourself, because everyone else is taken. Scars are only scars, not flaws. They identify, but never define.”
And to think, this dad was worried about how a scar could hold our son back.
How about you? Do you polish everything up, rather than letting your life’s patina provide the shine?
What’s the first thing you would uncover in your life? Large or small, what scars have been unnecessarily hidden from view?
As always, the conversation starts here.
“In the ordinary choices of every day we begin to change the direction of our lives.” – Eknath Easwaran
Epilogue
Alessia Cara is a Canadian singer and songwriter with a powerful message.
“The world needs to change their minds about you. But you never need to change for the world because you are beautiful.”
Alessia celebrated her twenty-first birthday this year, offering proof that the young can be our best teachers.
Hello! Thank you for this topic ,” The perfection of imperfectness. I never looked at it in the way described in your article. Your son shows an amazing character of a person with true humility. It saddens me to live in a world that appears to only value what false image could sale on the highest bidder depending on who’s buying. We sale ourselves cheap when we don’t value our lives by accepting every aspect, good or bad, entrusting enough in ourselves that we live and can help the world survive from sharing each other’s imperfection and free ourselves from… Read more »
Leona –
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I also set unrealistic expectations for people to reach an arbitrary standard I’ve set without any thought to the scars, physical or mental, they may be hiding.
Welcome to the Choices Do Matter family, please visit often.
– Bruce
Love this story and the powerful symbolism of the Kintsugi bowl. 😍 I never knew about his scar! I love this idea but also the idea of emotional scars and how powerful they can be — but without the physical reminder. I think some things can happen to us emotionality that are literally crippling. But we bear no physical sign of the pain. So, for others, there’s a, “He’s not over that yet?” factor and lack of empathy. And healing is not always uniform or universal. Anyhoo, the scar thing also reminds me of that quote about how it’s the… Read more »
Lynsley –
Yes, that scar has been with our son for a long time. Today it’s just part of who he is.
Once the repair to his heart was complete, the scar became only a happy memory.
I wish all scars were as simple to move past. The notion of treating breakage as part of history and not something to disguise is one I want to spend more time with.
Thanks for being a regular part of our Choices Do Matter family.
– Bruce
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There’s is a crack on everything
That’s how the light gets in~~
Leonard Cohen
A favorite of mine for years. We all carry scars visible or no. My inspiration comes from them.
The story is a lovely “touch” point to be grateful for it all!
Heather –
Leonard Cohen’s words fit this story and fit our lives. Thank you for adding them.
For me, Cohen is saying that the solution is never in perfection. Nothing is perfect. No relationship at home or work, in our country, or even with the universe that created us is ever fully perfect. Everything is always, in some way, imperfect; even if it’s only a tiny crack.
Your voice is important to our conversation.
– Bruce