“Whenever I was upset by something in the papers, Jack always told me to be more tolerant, like a horse flicking away flies in the summer.” – Jackie Kennedy
A guy cuts in line at the store and I sigh. I’m walking with the sign and the driver of the car turning right never even looks my way as I feel my blood pressure rise. A conversation seems normal except I’m never allowed to finish my sentence and I get angry.
These things happen to all of us. When they happen to me, I wonder what to do. I don’t feel like flicking away “flies” as JFK told Jackie.
Yet for most of life’s annoyances, President Kennedy’s advice works fine. A pause in the conversation, a slight tilt of my head, even lifting a finger lightly from the steering wheel in the direction of the other motorist will shoo my life’s flies away.
But there are bigger flies that demand more active attention.
The columns don’t balance and the financials are all out of whack, but I’m asked to present them to the committee. Someone says the best way to end homelessness is for them to just get a job. Or I’ve poured my heart and soul into a few paragraphs for one of these stories, and the editor says it would be best unsaid.
That’s when I need more than a deep breath. I need a serious fix.
“Grumble, Grumble” has become my weapon of choice. Of course, it’s a concealed weapon because I only say those words to myself. They are my mantra and let me calm down, then look for a better way to move the discussion forward.
In the past I would dig in my heels and fight. The volume would get turned up, on both sides, but nothing would change. Now, these two simple words remind me that I’m not happy with the suggestion or comment I’m hearing, so my next move is to think about it first – then get back to them, or not.
These breaks give me room to think, to process the information without the pressure of having to make a decision in the heat of the moment. Everything gets better.
This grumble is a better choice than digging in my heels, playing the boss card, the gender card, the status card, or any power cards I hold. Those may win the battle, but never the war.
What do you think?
What other ideas do you have for allowing different views to come together?
Or is there already too much compromise? Do you view “giving in” as nothing but a weakness?
As always, the conversation starts here. And P.S. If you know the editor, don’t tell ‘um. Okay?
“In the ordinary choices of every day we begin to change the direction of our lives.” – Eknath Easwaran
Epilogue
There are experts who say anger is good for me, even healthy. Maybe there’s no end to the number of different sides, and the number of experts, for any point of view.
I think I’ll stick with, “Grumble, Grumble.” But, you decide for yourself after watching this video on the benefits of anger.
I find I get angrier as I get older! Often times muttering under my breath or sticking my tongue out at something I don’t like! I do like Grumble, Grumble and will try – let’s see if it works! Thanks, Bruce!
Cynthia –
Funny, I don’t think of you as either – old or angry. Maybe muttering, but sticking your tongue out ?!? WOW, I’m going to need pictures.
Yes, give Grumble, Grumble a try; it’s better than throwing a priceless vase.
I’m always happiest when your voice is in the conversation.
– Bruce
Hmmm..Older (probably wiser) angrier (probably because I’m retired – sort of). Am home too much and see too much that I can’t do anything about, so I mutter – it helps get out the aggression…Hope all is well! You look wonderful in your pictures.
Cyn.K
Cynthia – Welcome to the family – the retirement family that is! I’ve got a few tips if I can be so bold: 1. The muttering will stop when you take up storytelling. You are a natural, plus, while you may not do anything about the things you can’t change the anger will lesson. 2. Always know a good photographer. Pair him or her with a great editor and a creative publicist, then you will look good, sound good, and people will start to notice. You see, it does take a village. Now, as for sending pictures of your tongue… Read more »
Thank you. As always, your pearls of wisdom are greatly appreciated…
P.S. Lydia Shire is a very well known Chef in New England! It was an exciting opportunity to be with her today!
Cynthia –
I saw the picture on your FB post. I do not know Lydia, but I do know the other woman. She has the smile of a very happy non-grumbler. 🙂
– Bruce
I think that in every relationship, of all kinds, one subject gives, the other subject takes. In my opinion “grumble, grumble” is a way that you are giving to the other person (by not turning what was most likely an innocuous situation into a heated chaotic mess), and also giving to yourself, but not allowing the smaller things to consume you or by giving yourself time to think about the potential outcomes. I like that “grumble, grumble” is an action. Anger has its place in the healthy psyche, but anger without action, without resolution, is what can become very unhealthy… Read more »
Stephanie –
How very wise you are. I will print your advice and tape it to my shaving mirror so it can sink in.
Thank you for being part of the conversation and for continually putting your loving drops in the bucket of the lives of so many.
P.S. I’ve never seen you POUT. 🙂
– Bruce